I can’t believe I’m even bringing up this question almost 1 year post baby, but it’s been on my mind so much.
After Ruby, I didn’t think about a second baby until Ruby was 16-18 months. After Esme, I started thinking about it at 6 months postpartum. Even though my recovery period (which is still ongoing) has been way more difficult this time around, for some reason my body is urging me to get pregnant again. I don’t get what it is! I had such a whirlwind of a labor and I’ve been dealing with serious postpartum anxiety that has taken over my mind and my life.
With all of the anxiety, doctor appointments, MRIs, therapy, migraines and more, I made the choice to go off my pill for no reason other than to “find an immediate solution” on how to get rid of my migraines. It turns out since I’ve been off the pill (it’s been two months now) my anxiety has died down big time. My CBT therapist credits it to our hard work over the past few months but I truly believe it’s a mix of both. However, my migraines are still present and I’m crediting that to stress and tension.
Now that I’m off the pill, I run the risk of pregnancy any time I’m intimate with my husband. My cycle is definitely all over the place so it has instantly forced me to think about the potential of a third child. Do I want one? Are we ready for one? Will we ever be ready for one? How will we manage being outnumbered? Do I want to go through all of this again? It’s weird because my doctor, my mom, my therapist all tell me the same thing… why do you have to decide now? I’m the kind of person who likes to be in control and know what’s ahead, but at the same time I love the idea of “if it’s meant to be it will be”. No matter what, we’ll be okay, we’ll make it work.
At the end of the day, I’m ready for wherever life takes us. I will be so grateful and so lucky to have a third child but would also feel so blessed to have just my two girls. Either way, it’s better to let go of the things you can’t control and roll with the waves – that’s me talking, not my anxiety and I’ve never felt prouder of myself.
Illustration by: Hannah Kellner